OK, the Truth

I have become David Sedaris. The only difference is that instead of an oft-referenced boyfriend named Hugh, I have an oft-referenced girlfriend named Deanna.

I say this because my family is scared of me. I'm not violent. I'm not volatile either. I'm actually quite even-tempered and gentle. They are scared that something embarrassing they did might end up on my blog.

"Oooh, I bet that'll end up on his blog," Matt, my little brother, always says. He still refuses to act a clown whenever I pull out my camera. He doesn't want to end up being immortalized by a photo such as this one we took while in Chicago:



My sister covers up her face every time I try and take a picture of her. In fact, I can get anything I want from her by just threatening to put one of her "bad" pictures on Myspace. "I'll kill you," she says whenever I bring up the possibility.

My dad is really the only one willing to be made a fool.

Well, my dad and me.

I don't know what it is. Maybe I would rather have our Hawaiian - Chicago before this - vacation be about my family rather than about the location. I mean, we're all here relaxing - it's very beautiful - but we're also being ourselves. I just find our actions much more interesting than the island.

For example:

My sister tries to be cool. But in reality, she is a violent, lazy geek. Look at this photo:



Then there's Matt, the most serious kid I have ever met. This photo is a perfect illustration:



A little anecdote: On Monday, we ate at Kobe's steakhouse. Matt had excused himself to the bathroom, but before he left had ordered himself a Roy Rodgers. The drink came, but Matt was gone. I had accidentally - I swear - dropped a couple of pieces of fried rice into his drink. "Oh sh--," I said to my sister pointing at the rice. She agreed: "Oh sh--." We knew that if Matt came back and saw the rice floating in his drink, he'd flip out. So we tried to get out all we could. Finally we said screw it and pushed the rice all the way to the bottom. Matt came back and didn't see the rice. He took a drink and actually sucked a grain up. He pulled it out of his mouth assuming that this grain was stuck in the back of his mouth and came out with the liquid.

Anyway, Matt didn't flip when we gave up the secret - we couldn't contain our laughter when he drank the rice. But we were sure scared he would.

Then there's my dad. He too is a ball of stress. This is him stressing out about his car before we left LAX:



But since he retired from being a cop more than a year ago, he's learned how to relax a little bit more - Hawaii is his favorite place to do so.



Sure he may need a few drinks to relax, but at least he's relaxing.



Me, on the other hand, I'm not good at relaxing. I either need to read, write or surf the Internet nearly all day long. It's just me - drinks or no drinks. But if you're reading this blog, I don't want you to think that I think I'm perfect. I'm not. In fact, I'm probably the biggest geek in my family.

From the clothes I wear:



To the faces I make while taking pictures of myself:





I am a geek. But that's cool with me. Being serious just doesn't seem to be much fun. In fact, it makes life a bit boring, which is why I write the blogs making fun of my family members. But we are having a real good time while in Hawaii. Most of the time, they aren't worried about my blogs. Most of the time we are swimming, eating or even just relaxing in front of the TV or outside with a book.

Truth is we're a loving family that enjoys each other's company.



I look forward to the rest of the week. We are going to see a show tonight and are going to snorkel on Saturday. But most of all, I look forward to the laughs and memories that we will take home from the trip.

This is a pepper grinder:


This is a pepper shaker:


Got that, pops? You can't shake a pepper grinder and expect the pepper to come out of the top.

True story. Dad is at breakfast preparing to eat his scrambled eggs. He grabs the pepper grinder, shakes it expecting pepper to come out of the top. Nothing comes out, but he looks at his eggs and is satisfied. He puts the pepper grinder back down and prepares to eat. My sister and I look at each other and share a "Did-he-just-shake-a-pepper-grinder look."

Funny thing is that pops had not had any drinks... yet. But it was sure a sign of what our first full day in Maui would bring.

We went back to the hotel and I slept. And slept. And slept some more. Two hours I slept. I was tired from the day before. Long flight, late night, bad food. All that stuff. So I recovered with a nap. Then I woke up, went down to the pool and hung out with the family; they were already there. Dad had already had a few drinks. "Cocktails" he calls them. We call it two shots of vodka on the rocks.



The more he drank, the more his behavior deteriorated.

Truth is, Matt was actually frightened here. He thought pops was going to eat him - you know, when you've been drinking, you'll eat anything (except steak as you'll learn later).



I guess being drunk is contagious. I mean, my sister hadn't had any drinks and she was drunk.


She didn't even wear proper clothes. She got a big brown towel, two ribbons and wore it out.



I was ashamed and had to look away.



But although Vanessa had her moments, today was definitely dad's day. He stole the show. First the pepper shakers. Then dinner. We went to Kobe's. No, not my boy Kobe, but a steak and fish house. Dad couldn't be found without his cocktail.



He was also found to be attracted to things that weren't even alive.



But one thing was for sure:

"I can't eat steak. I don't know how you guys do it," he said to me and my sister. "I just can't eat steak."

"OK, dad, just eat your fried rice."

"All I want is my fried rice."



"OK, dad, eat your fried rice."

"I don't know how you guys can eat steak."

Pops finished his fried rice. He was happy.



... and so were we. Well, except for Matt. Something to do with "That's vodka, not water, fool." But that's a different story for a different day. Peace.

The Longest Day

Perhaps the hardest part about vacationing in Hawaii is the travel. Five hour flight. Babies kicking seats. Little brothers yelling at you because you ask him to hold your full Starbucks cup, your jacket, your USC hat, your sunglasses, your book and your bag - then your sister does the same to him.

Maybe it's the scary people that are on planes that made the plane ride here tough. Check out this chick:



Oh, wait, that's my sister... what's up with her eyes?

Well, she's not really that scary. So I guess we can cross that reason off the list. Well, maybe it's not all the unattractive people that are on planes, like this chick:



Crap! That's my sister again! Oh well. I guess the plane ride wasn't that bad. Some of us got a little bit irritated. Well, one of us anyway. Matt's thinking, "Dude, you are doing everything wrong." He said it too.



Well, eventually we got to Hawaii. We were hungy. Vanessa was thirsty and needed to cover her breasts since she forgot a bra. She's text messaging her boyfriend to tell him of her embarassment at forgetting such an important clothing item.



My sister's bralessness made me feel like this:



When unpacking I remembered I had forgotten to purchase swimming trunks. How could I come to Hawaii without trunks! So I went downstairs and was about to buy a pair when the cashier said, "You want to try those on? We don't allow returns of swimwear."

"Even if it's unused?" I asked.

"Yes."

I could've continued the questioning, but decided not to. I found my answer in the dressing room though:



However, I got my trunks and by the end of the day, everything was all good: