Conversion

I watched the U2 "Vertigo" tour on DVD the other day, which was filmed in Chicago. Bono - a great storyteller, if you don't know - told a story about playing clubs and bars in the Windy City. He talked about hopping on tables, "Kissing guys' girlfriends" and loving the city. Then he moved on and talked about that being the past. And then he said something that has stuck with me. I can't quote it exactly, but it something to the effect of what's in the past should be kept in the past, except for the good things. Those things that were good about the past, Bono said, they bring with them - for U2, it was songs like "Sunday, Bloody Sunday," "Where the Streets Have No Name" and "One." This got me thinking about conversion. I had already been thinking about "conversion" due to recent events involving people around me and with myself, actually. So I thought about Bono's words (again paraphrased), "The good stuff, we bring with us to the present."

I've noticed two or three things about people who are trying to change their lives - convert, for lack of a better word. Sometimes these conversions are religious, sometimes not. But what conversions always feature are people who want to change their lives for the better - they weren't being fulfilled. But conversion isn't always an easy thing. In fact it's quite difficult. It's like dying in a way. People give up things they think are fun - drinking, sex, fighting, hatred - and try to live a new way. But one thing always gets in the way: they are never able to completely detach themselves from the things that put them in need for conversion in the first place.

For me, conversion is a religious thing. To convert means to try to live a moral and disciplined life. To be disciplined is really hard, but it's what I strive for. This is the second time I have really tried to convert - the first time I failed because I still wanted to "live my life" as a 21-year-old guy and all that entails. This time I'm trying to kill that part of myself, but bringing along the things that filled me - laughter, friendship, joy with reading and writing. But it's difficult to fully convert and be willing to kill the part of myself that is always looking for pleasure, which is remarkably different from joy.

I see this happen to many others who try to convert. They say that they want to give their lives to Christ, but only on Sundays. They are unwilling to cut off the ties that bring them down to places they don't want to be. They continue to live in the pleasures that they had in their past. "It's who I am," they say. Or, "I have to be real." Yet, they want to change. Conversion is difficult.

Then there are those who want to convert, but continue to beat themselves up for things that they did in their past. I'm coming from a Christian perspective again. Chist died for us so that we could be redeemed. That's not just once, but over and over and over and over and ... get it? People are allowed to fail, but they are also allowed to be redeemed. A lot of people who want to fully convert don't allow themselves to be redeemed. Why? So maybe you screwed up in your past. If you admit that you screwed up and are truly sorry for it, why are you beating yourself up? It's like cutting your finger and then looking at the scar and opening it up again because, well, you still remember when you cut it. Yeah, the scar is still there, but it will eventually go away if you allow it to.

I watched "Lost" on my iPod at the gym last night. The show ended with Claire and her baby Aaron getting baptized by Eko. Claire wanted her son to be saved in case anything happened to him. She wanted him to have the chance to be redeemed and in the process she had herself redeemed as well - she got baptized too. Now she can live her life as if she had a fresh start. Sure they'll still be on the island and things will try to get her and her baby, but at least she's confident that no matter what happens, they are OK. Everything that happened before doesn't really matter anymore.

This is the longest blog I've ever written. In fact, it's less like a blog than an essay. But I just want people to leave with this message: if you want to convert, be willing to kill who you used to be. Be willing to say "no" to the things that used to bring you pleasure, but yes to the things that will bring you joy. I'm out.

Democracy (with a little "d")

So, reading all these stories about Hamas' victory in the Palestinian parlimentary elections, I finally realized what "democracy" means. It's whatever kind of government the United States likes!

That Mr. Bush, never one to take election results at face value... silly guy.

p.s. Whether or not it's a good thing (it's not) that Hamas is now in control is really up to, well, the people who are dying over there... but Bush has been pushing democracy (when it's convenient for him) and this is what happens.