My parking tickets

It was a good day. I walked to my car excited about lunch with my beautiful girlfriend Deanna. I thought, "Gosh, can't wait to hear Harry Potter on my iPod when I get in my car." (I have the audiobooks.) It's like that scene in Spiderman 2 where Peter Parker is walking without a worry in the world. I could've been humming a song. I don't know. I call the aforementioned girlfriend. We're chatting.

Then I walk to where my car should be, but it's not there.

I think, "Pee-Wee Herman." Remember in "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure" where his bike got stolen? Yeah, that's how I felt.

"Aw, f---," I said to her. "My car was stolen."

She was silent.

"I need to call the cops," I said.

She agreed.

I called 9-1-1, not sure if that's the number I need to call for a stolen car.

"Are you sure it wasn't towed?" the guy on the other end of the phone said. "Here, call this number."

"Wait!" I wanted to shout. "Times-a-wasting. Can't you take a report?"

It was too late. He had hung up. Greater emergencies, I guess. I called the other number.

"Your license plate number?" guy says on the other end.

"5AKK131. Wait, did I just say A KKK?" I wasn't sure if it sounded like I was supporting the Ku Klux Klan. Didn't want to offend him.

"Yeah, they towed your car for unpaid parking tickets. Call this number. You have to pay at one of our walk-in facilities." He gave me no other instructions. Remember that, it comes back later.

I called the other number; it was for the towing company. They said that they had my car, but couldn't get it back until I got it released by the city. So I had to get to 2nd and Broadway from USC without a car. That's basically 26 blocks north and about 10 blocks east. I couldn't walk it. So I jumped on a DASH bus.

The bus took me to 7th and Figueroa, where my girlfriend works. We met, I ate my lunch and she gave me a hug. It was the best part of my day. We looked up how to get to this place; the directions said it was .36 miles away.

"I'll walk," I said.

She didn't think it was a good idea and tried to find a bus for me.

"No, I'll walk." So I gave her a hug and a kiss and took off. It was then that I first noticed I needed to pee. It was 12:45.

I walked. And walked. And walked. It wasn't .36 miles. No way. I walked some more. I was already soaked with sweat. Then I approached a hill. "This sucks," I told myself. I walked up the hill huffing and puffing. Fumes emitted from cars filled my lungs. But I continued to walk. I made it up the hill, got to 3rd Street. Then I looked for 2nd. It wasn't there.

"You have to be kidding me!" I kept walking. I could see 1st. Finally I saw a little street that led to 2nd. I found the parking ticket facility. There was only one person ahead of me. It was 1:25.

"Do you guys have a bathroom?" I asked the security guard.

"Nope," he said.

I went up. The lady at the booth - perhaps the dumbest lady I ever met - says, "Do you gots your registration?"

"My what?"

"Registrations."

"My registration."

"That's what I said."

"It's in my car. Where it's supposed to be."

"Well, we can't release your car without it."

"You're kidding me."

"Nope, plus you have to pay $666 for your tickets." They had amassed extra fines. "We only take money order or cash."

This sucked. I looked up, took a deep breath and said, "I need the address to the towing facility." It was on 23rd and Hill.

I left. I walked down Broadway. Have you ever walked down Broadway? Yeah, don't. A lady grabbed me and said something in Spanish. I shook her off. The whole street smelled like urine. People shouted on bullhorns. "Buy this, buy this," but in Spanish. I continued to walk hoping to see a cab, or catch a bus that went down that far.

I walked for eight blocks. Finally I said, "F--- it" and jumped on the next bus. Luckily it went down to 21st. A few stops later, a thug's family got on the bus. I had seen "Menace II Society," but never thought that such gangsters actually existed. They do. Guy had braids, a red shirt; he was probably packing. His kids were running around the bus. He's son, couldn't have been older than 4, said something like, "Mom is an f---in b---h." She told the dad to say something to the son, but he just laughed instead.

I was thankful when I reached 21st. I got off there and walked to the towing facility.

"Do you guys have a bathroom?" I asked the first guy I saw.

"Not for public use," he said.

I stood behind a guy who also had his car towed. He needed to register it with the DMV, but all the paperwork was inside. They wouldn't let him get it. He started yelling and screaming. Then he left. I talked to the guy behind the glass; I'll call him Pablo. Then the crazy guy came back. He wished a bloody and painful death on Pablo. But Pablo wasn't a bad dude. Took me straight out to my car. He even let me charge my phone for a few seconds. I got my registration.

“Do you have the number to a cab company?” I asked him. I was done with buses and done with walking. He gave me one. My phone was still low on battery, so I called Deanna. She called the cab company for me.

Before they picked me up, I had to walk to a bank to get a money order for $666. An ominous number, I know. I had already tried to get a money order, but this particular place didn’t take credit cards for them. So I had a to walk to Wells Fargo.

“Do you guys have a restroom,” I asked the security guy at the door.

“Nope,” he said. My stomach was starting to hurt.

They were really nice there. One of the employees, I’ll call her Blanca, took my credit card so she could write out the withdrawal slip. However, the cab was on its way to the bank. I kept looking out the door to see if it was there yet. Then I noticed the security guard looking at me. Did he think I was about to rob the place? Then I saw the cab pass. Crap! I called Blanca over. “Can you tell that cab to wait?” She couldn’t, but the security guard could. The cab pulled over and I relaxed.

I told the cashier to forget about the money order. “Just give me cash,” I said. He gave me $670. I put it in my wallet. “It’ll be safe,” I thought. “I’m going to get dropped right off in front of the place.”

I walked out to the cab.

“Thank you for waiting,” I said to him.

A nod was all I got.

“I’m going to 213 6TH Street.” (The guy at the towing company gave me this address. “It’s closer than the other one,” he said.)

Another nod.

“How are you doing today?” I asked.

Nothing.

“Those are nice rosaries,” I said pointing to two rosaries hanging on his rearview mirror.

Nothing.

“It’s hot today,” I said.

A nod.

I gave up trying to talk to him.

“We’re here,” he said a few minutes later. I looked out the window and saw nothing but homeless people.

“I don’t think this is it,” I said.

“You wanted 213 6th Street. This is it.”

I didn’t want to make him angry.

“But this doesn’t look like the place,” I said.

“You want to pay your tickets?”

“Yes.”

“While this is the place,” he said with his voice elevated. I paid and got out.

It wasn’t the place.

“You lookin’ for the ticket office?” a homeless man said sitting in front of a boarded up building.

“Yeah,” I said.

“They moved it. It’s at 315 2nd Street.”

“Thank you,” I said. “Want a dollar?”

“Yes, please.” I gave him a dollar and walked. I got scared. I had $666 in my back pocket. I also had to pee. If I stopped and peed in the alley, would anyone really notice? I didn’t stop. I walked. And walked. And walked. It was a hot day. Then I heard my phone beep. I looked at it. Low battery. Crap.

Finally I got to the ticket office. I walked in. They had just called number 65. I drew number 75. I called Deanna and asked her to help me again.

“I will text message you when I need you to call the cab, OK?”

“OK,” she said. She’s great. I shut off my phone. Then I sat there. Waiting. 66. Waiting 67. Waiting. 68. Waiting. DUDE YOU DON’T NEED TO ARGUE! PAY YOUR TICKET AND MOVE ALONG. Thank you. 69. 70. 71. 72. 73. 74. I turned on my phone. “Can you call them in 5 minutes?” I wrote in the message. Then I shut off my phone again.

75.

I jumped up.

“I just need to get my car released.” The lady at the window had long fake fingernails and was popping her gum. “Here’s my license plate number.” I said it again, making sure I didn’t say three Ks.

“$666,” she said. I gave it to her. She marked each $100 bill to make sure it wasn’t counterfeit. Then she checked for their watermarks. This process took five minutes itself. Again I found myself looking out the door for a cab. Then she walked away. I couldn’t see her, but I heard her giggling away.

“Dude, this chick needs to hurry,” I said to myself. But she didn’t hurry. She took her time. Ten minutes had passed. The cab had to be almost there. I looked back. Nothing yet. She still hadn’t printed out my receipts or the release form. WHY IS SHE RECOUNTING THE MONEY FOR THE FOURTH TIME? I looked back. No cab yet.

Finally she pulled out the release form and started to fill it out. I looked back; the cab was there. Crap.

“Hi, can I run outside and tell the cab to wait?”

“I’m almost done,” she said. Her nails were getting in the way of her work.

The cab had its blinker on. It was leaving. As it started to take off, she passed out the release form and all receipts I needed. I grabbed them and sprinted outside. I jumped in the cab as it pulled away.

“Thank you,” I said. “23rd and Broadway.”

My stomach was killing me. I want my car. Then I want to pee. He thought it’d be a good idea to take Flower instead of Broadway, but it took twice as long.

“Sorry,” he said. “I thought Flower would be faster.”

He finally got me there. I ran in. I also thought about asking for a bathroom again, but decided against it. There was one guy working. He was there dealing with the crazy guy I had seen earlier. He obviously got what he needed as he had calmed down a lot. Then the phones started to ring like crazy. He kept answer. Five minutes passed. “My bladder is going to explode,” I thought.

I gave him the release, my license and my credit card. “Here.”

It was 4 p.m. by the time I got back in my car. It was hot in there. I needed to pee.. I drove back to 7th and Fig to pick up Deanna. I ran into Robinsons-May. It was cool inside. I ran to the restroom. I peed. I peed so long that a kid walked into a stall about 10 seconds after I left and finished peeing, washing his hands and walking out the door before I finished. I washed my hands. I had to wait 15 minutes before she came outside to meet me. I hugged her and we drove home.